"So this is odd, the painful realization that all has gone wrong.  And nobody cares at all, and nobody cares at all.  So you buried all your lover's clothes and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesn't make it any better.  Does it make it any better?  And the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade.  So this is strange, our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all, where nobody leads at all.  And the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.  And breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask, and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.  This is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time.  Well, you'd like to think that you were invincible.  Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time.  Well this is the last time.

Thank you all for the comments you left. You have no idea how badly I needed to know that someone loved me..... I thought what little confidence I had myself, what little faith I had in myself and other people had been pretty much destroyed.......it just proves that though so people may cause you to doubt who are you and what you feel, there are twice as many people there to remind you that you are a great person. I love you all so much.......but this will be my last xanga entry...at least under this name.....there are somethings I need to not just sweep under the bed, but completely get rid of, starting with a clean slate.....I went to a leadership conference today, and the man said that you head is space for rent, you can rent it out to anyone you want.......and I'm gonna start with a new space, for people who are honest with me, who say they love me and mean it, for people who make me feel not so freaking empty inside......I'm so tired of being empty and achy.......but I do love you all for being understanding of my feelings without understanding why......

My hair is brown.....dark brown......darker even than my pic......but I like it......my mom says I don't even look like I'm caucasion anymore.....I think she needs to realize that not all white girls wear Michael Jackson's foundation.......

I had a interesting experience at musical practice the other day.......We were doing choreography, and Wayne decides that he wants me to be picked up and carried during my solo......I hate being carried.....I hate being picked up......mostly because I'm scared I'll be too heavy........Wayne screams at me to stop being a baby and just do it......and it goes well......when I get off stage I find out that a certain young lady by the name of Ami Stull decided to say, "She's too fat to be carried." Well I'm sure you are all aware of how sensitive I am about my weight....I mean what woman isn't self-conscience about her body.......too bad Ami was too stupid to comprehend that the very people she said it in front of were all of my friends.......without me even talking bad about Ami, she has already developed a rather large hate group against her......which was already rather large to begin with......it's just too bad that some people deal with their insecurities by making fun of others who are more talented and well-liked then them......that sounds totally conceded yet totally true.......At least once I day I hear something about Ami either being negative about me or negative about other people......I don't understand how someone can hate themselves so much and be so angry with everyone.....I don't even think about her unless someone mentions her name.....it seems like I'm the central focus of her life......I feel kind of sorry for her because her exboyfriend was abusive and her some of her so called "friends" make fun of her behind her back to me.....I hope none of my friends do that to me......I guess I should just be thankful that I live a pretty happy life and have plenty of things to be optimistic about, because its obvious that Ami has some serious jeaulosy/insecurity issues to deal with. It's just too bad that I have to be her outlet...... 

Last night was the last basketball game.....I'm kind of sad that Pep Band is over.....

I went to Isaac Shaw's house and watched some footage of Bye Bye Birdie.....it made me cry.....really hard.......I just miss it so much.......I was so happy then, ya know......I just miss everyone....GRR at me!

That's really lame/depressing isn't it......I wonder if Cody and Zach will feel like that someday.

Mr. Shaw says I should play the Bass Drum in Marching Band.....and my friends thought I was crazy for doing Pep Band.......you know how funny that would be?

I'm going to San Diego California for spring break with Courtney Mitchell-Flynn....(a.k.a Mayzie La Bird/ the pink bird in Suessical/ the hot one)  Super Duper Excited!!!!

I am pooped out to the max......I worked an 8 hour shift and I am a woos and I am tired......my feet hurt and my head hurts and I'm tired of stupid people........have you ever met someone that you thought had a normal IQ until you were with them for more than an hour and realized they should be legally retarded......actually that statement was pretty mean because this group brought some mentally challenged people in to DQ and they were so sweet.......I helped them count out there money and showed them how to do everything.....the people who were helping them were really grateful......it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling........

WOULD COLLEGES QUIT SENDING ME FREAKING BROCHURES!!!!  If I wanted to go there....I'd give 'em a ring.........just because I did really good on my PSAT does not mean that I am smart....it means am a jedi master of the standardized test.....I should send them some PreCal tests......they's send me off to the short bus that's for sure.......

I finally got my first paycheck.....$156.50......it felt so good to have obtained mucho dinero.....I made little envelopes to budget everything......I have a savings, gas, recreation, and church envelope......and by the next paycheck I hope to able to open a checking account......it feels really good to not have to ask my parents for money........LALALA

Kyle- your novel/comment made me feel super duper special.....I miss you greatly.......I saw a dog in JCPenny's that when you squeezed his paw, he sang "my girl" and danced........I almost bought it for you for the heck of it......but I thought you would think I was psycho.....not that you didn't already :)

My dogs are fighting....really loudly.......I wonder who's gonna win......they both hump each other all the time........thought I'd throw that in there.

Katie Dale saw me at work today........

I found a Tanner hair on one of my shirts when I was cleaning out my dresser.........that would be John's cat.....I'm a sick, disgusting person......

I can't wait till spring......I need sunshine!

I'm dying my hair dark brown tomorrow!!!! HOTNESS!!!